Through the Fire

Didn't go with my gut on some passiveness
didn't have time to scream, doubt I would've
smokey grey, went for a second to bright azure
the color of every hard head/eye injury I've ever had
swallowed all too quickly by black
loud bang followed by deafening silence
...Am I? .....Am I?
no need to look for the ancestor's embrace
I knew instinctively this is not how I die
blind and in pain
heartbeat choking me
summon strength don't ask for it,
face screwed in concentration, either went unnoticed or or mistaken
cause cous had to stop at the liquor store on the way to the ER
made it home unable to see or dress myself
waited for maman to speak
knew there was a lesson in this
she remained silent, but then there came enough words
"you're too independent, too superhuman,
no one ever knows you need help, let alone how to help you"
"I got you, I'll hold you down" promises unfulfilled
even got snapped on a couple times
then came the unexpected waves of righteous anger
permission granted for me to be hurt and angry too
wasn't acrid, nooo, just acright
and this time last year I was barely here
hovering above seeing 360, past present, and future converged
so self-aware I was frightened
when I realized I was alone, or at least so I thought
I got too scared and clung back to earth
roamed this year warrior no more
would be baby, would be dominated, and done wrong
for compliments, laughter, songs and poems in my ear
they came little anyway
and the princess gently prodded: remember who you are love
now I do
maman forgive me
I now embrace the weight of my birthright
I'm atrophied but will ask for no more strength
for I am certain now you ask no more of me than I can bear
to those who needed their space
I ask no more of what you are unwilling to give
I will let the skies cry for me when I cannot
I know now there is no greater loneliness
than rejection of self